Lankford Love

I'm grateful. I keep trying to think of something clever or cute or sweet to start this post, but these are the words that come to mind. The Lord has continually provided me with sweet friendships throughout my life, and I am grateful. This season, the anniversary and birthday of my brother, always makes me reflect on friendships. I had a few sweet friends drive in from Dallas to be with my in Houston after Austen died. And I had many of my Houston friends, from growing up, show up to help and comfort and off condolences. Not to mention, many of Austen's friends were my friends, and my friends, his friends. Regardless, I was in awe at how the Lord prompted these sweet friends in their words, their actions, their showing up, when we needed them. In the months before Austen died, I had been in a season of desperation and loneliness. I was 25 years old and in my third and final year of graduate school. I had graduated from SMU three years prior and gotten married. Going into g...

Last Tuesday marked four years since Austen's death . Though his birthday is two days after the anniversary, the anniversary and the days approaching it always seem to be the hardest. Last weekend I sat at our dining room table with Brendon, thinking about the week to come, and cried. It makes me sad to think about him being gone. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday that he was here, and in others, it seems like he's been gone forever... I've had two girls since then, and even though Lilleigh knows all about Austen, it's crazy to think she will never get to meet him. Monday I went with a group of mommy friends and their littles to the Perot Museum, and it was a great way to lift my spirits! I have such a strong bond with these moms, as our kids were all born within two months of each other and for that first year especially we were each others' life line! Tuesday was the actual anniversary. My sweet friend Katie G. watched my girls for me that morn...

Today is the big day. Three years since Austen's passed away. We released three balloons in his memory. It wasn't quite as emotional as I had thought it would be. Really, it just felt sweet and right. I am thankful to have a neat way to remember her with my family, especially since we are 4 hours away from the rest of my family. It's nice to have our own tradition to carry on. The three balloons for Austen, plus one extra for Lil, so as to avoid any meltdown that may occur when the other three are released in the sky. Can you guess which balloon is hers? The three balloons. I did write a few things on them - Bible verses, answered prayers, and snip-it's of God's goodness. Explaining to Lilleigh how we were going to release the balloons on the count of three and that she would get to release one of them also. She didn't quite understand the releasing of the balloons on the count of 3... Watching the balloons float away. She...

Last night we started MoneyWise 2. MoneyWise is a ministry at our church, focusing on our finances and God's kingdom. It's not unlike Crown or Dave Ramsey, though from what I understand it delves deeper. MoneyWise 2 is more of a follow up to Crown, which we did years ago. One of the things we discussed our first session was trust. What does it mean to trust God? In future weeks we will discuss what it looks like practically to trust Him, but last night we really broke down the meaning of trust. Basically it boils down to: Do I believe He is good? Do I believe He is for us? Do I believe He is reliable? And do I believe He able? I should mention that this next week also happens to be the second anniversary of Austen's death and what would have been his 26th birthday. So it seems that I am seeing everything through that lens this week. And last night's teaching made me realize that three of those questions I can answer with a yes, absolutely. When Austen died, there w...

I wanted to take a post to write about GriefShare now that I've finished it the first time. {Though I say first time, it'll probably be my last too, as getting out just before Lilleigh's bedtime is taxing on us, but they invite everyone to come back for as many sessions as necessary.} In case you haven't gotten it by now -- GriefShare is AMAZING. Our last meeting was Tuesday night, so I've taken the last few days to process my experience in the program. Basically, like anything else, you get as much out of GriefShare as you put in it. I did the homework religiously. {I didn't do the journaling at the end though because I didn't see that section until the second to last week - oops. I'll go back to that!} I attended every group meeting possible, and I tried my very hardest to be on time for the video in the beginning. {Hard thing to do around bedtime!} If you've ever been through GriefShare, you know the videos are cheesy. They were filmed in the...

My friend Destiny, whom I've recently come to know, shared her story at GriefShare the other night. It wasn't the first time I'd heard her story. But that didn't keep the tears from coming. Destiny lost her brother Derek seven years ago. Coming from a rough upbringing, she describes him as her life witness. I love this label. Though I thankfully had a wonderful upbringing, I relate to this term. The phrase I've so often used is "my other half." I realize this usually describes a spouse, but growing up I think it describes siblings close in age. Austen was there for most everything important in my life, and I, in his. Sometimes when I'm frustrated or laughing at the situation I find myself in, I just want to call him because I know he's the only one that would truly get it. Though I have lots of younger siblings, the age gap is so great that sometimes it seems like we were raised in two totally different families, and to an extent, we have. The be...

Some updates for ya... 1. Lilleigh - She is doing MUCH better! Yea! Her fever broke Tuesday night, and she's been oh so happy ever since! Yea! Her runny nose is lingering, but we can manage that. Meanwhile, I got sick Wednesday night (on top of the cold I already had), but after some elderberry Brendon picked up at Sprouts, I've been feeling much better! And today my cold seems to almost be gone! ...Just in time for Brendon to get a cold. Ugh! No one told me how much sickness comes with having a baby! They get something from other babies, and then it spread through the house like wildfire! Pretty crazy. 2. Sleeping - Still not a whole lot of sleeping happening here. Lilleigh has been averaging two wake ups per night. (Notice the word "averaging.") This weekend her Mimi is in town, so we'll let Mimi sleep. But after this weekend, it's Lilleigh boot camp ! It's like Ab Ripper X - "I hate it, but I love it." I'm prepared for several sleeples...

As believers we are called to forgive others. This is an act of obedience. Not to mention, it'd be pretty hypocritical for us not to forgive others, considering He's forgiven us. But what about when someone hurts you or someone you love? Intentionally. How do you forgive someone who has acted maliciously?  With the anniversary of 9/11, I know many of those who lost loved ones are facing this same question. How can they forgive men who hijacked planes and flew them into buildings? How can you forgive men who killed so many innocent people? Who took fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, brothers, and sisters. And on purpose. All to serve a violent, vengeful god, whom they call Allah. (Why would they even want to serve such a god? Don't get me started on that.) How can you forgive such people? This issue has been heavy on my heart. And though the timing is fitting, I'm not talking about 9/11 . Forgiveness is a hard issue. If I'm honest with myself, I'm sure a ...

This weekend we headed to Houston. The reason for the trip was the anniversary of my brother's passing and what would have been his 25th birthday. Remembering Austen, there's a lot I could say. This year has been a whirlwind of both joy and sorrow. Not to mention busy. A lot has happened - so much that sometimes it seems like he's been gone longer than a year... I guess because I've gotten used to not seeing him... as much as I hate to say that. Holding my daughter, the pain lessens. She brings a lot of joy to my life. Still there are times when I look at her that I get a lump in my throat. Watching her grow I see how much Austen is missing. You see, my sister Anabelle was beside herself when Lilleigh was born. She couldn't stand that she was sick and had to stay home when I had the baby. So the first chance she got, she raced to Dallas to hold Lil in her arms. ...When talking about this, Brendon said something to me that I know is true. He said, "It's ...

I love Christmas! The bright colors. Cool weather. Merry music. Everyone in a good mood. Holiday parties. Gifts. Family. Friends. And of yeah, lots of great deals! ;) But Christmas isn't something everyone looks forward to. This Christmas will be our last to go visit family (on the actual day), as next year we'll start our own traditions. So this Christmas is a little bittersweet for us. I'm so excited to do our own thing next year, but I also want to relish in the traditions I've enjoyed up till now. Christmas Eve morning at the Galleria, watching holiday shoppers hustle and bustle about, trying to get last minute gifts. Then going to lunch with my dad and his siblings. Our big annual Christmas Eve party. Midnight church... which has recently turned into afternoon church. Who can really stay up that late and then get up early Christmas morning? The gift unwrapping free for all at one house and then going to the next house and being expected to take turns openin...

Me and Austen - 1991, perhaps.

William at his pep rally with our 2-year-old sister Morgan. Austen had been bugging William, my 18-year-old brother, for awhile now to play football. Austen was a great football player and had loved it so much that he just knew William would too. William is great at basketball, but football's not really William's sport. Still he decided to do play football this year, his senior year, in memory of Austen. At the start of the season, William went to his coach, who had also coached Austen for one year, and asked him if there was ever the opportunity for him to score a touchdown, would the coach allow him the chance in honor Austen. The coach, of course, said yes. Last week at William's game, Kinkaid was way ahead of their opponent. So with a few minutes left, at the 7 yard line, the coach called a time out. He told the team their only job was to get William the ball and to guard, no matter what their normal position may be. And he told William his only job was to run the...

Today marks two months. How has it only been two months? It feels like it was so long ago that my world changed. Here's some of what I've been processing lately... Last week I had a vivid and even tactile dream. I was sitting at a table with many people - maybe 20 - and my brother Austen was a couple people down from me. Wearing a t-shirt and basketball shorts, his usual, he was smiling and laughing as he spoke to the unknown face next to him. I got up, stood behind him, and began rubbing his shoulders. (This is totally normal in my family. Shoulder rubbing is part of our bonding.) He continued talking with the person next to him. Then I bent down and hugged his neck. He was just as big as always - broad. I could feel his hair on my face as I bent down. Then as I was standing back up, he turned to me and said, "Ashleigh, you're taking this really hard." Then I woke up. What do you do with that? I have sought counsel about it. And without going into details abo...

People have been asking how I've been doing, and the truth is I've been doing okay. I feel like I've come out of the fog. But still every so often I get misty eyed and just want to be alone and allowed to sit, remember, grieve, and rest. Spiritually, I've been okay. I wouldn't say I'm on a spiritual high by any means, but I'm certainly not at a low point either. I've been intentional in recent years about spending time with the Lord, reading His Word, praying, and listening. I read something last night that I think describes my current state well. I read about a man who had been told he would die within the year. He began spending a lot of time with the Lord because he knew it would be more difficult when he grew weak to trust Him. He compared it to walking in your house in the dark. I've walked through my house so often in the light that even in the darkness I know my way around.  In the same way, I've spent so many years with God that even ...

I am thankful for the sun. It has come out. Literally. Today it was sunny. But today, also, for the first time in four weeks, I was also truly happy. Not just okay. Or fine. I was happy. I know that it's still a long road and that I need to treasure these days, but it gives me hope that there will be joyful, happy days even after my brother's death. Thanks for bearing with me these last few weeks. The posts may have been hard to read for some of you. And I can't guarantee there won't be more of those. I'm processing. But the sun is back, and today it's shining. I'm thankful for that. While I'm talking about happy things, I have something you could help me with. The hubs and I are wanting to take a trip. My dad, so generously, gave me miles for my birthday last year. Woo-hoo! So we can fly anywhere. We had talked originally about going to visit friends, but now I'm kinda wanting to do something on our own. What are your thoughts? If we went somew...

A friend sent me this quote today. I don't have the energy to integrate it into a post or share my thoughts. All I know is it's brought me comfort. God won't waste my pain. He won't waste a single tear. This quote is just a reminder of that truth. God has not only redeemed me, but He has redeemed my circumstances as well. This is true whether we find ourselves facing grief, an addiction, an unwanted pregnancy, or something else we never dreamed we'd face. Our God redeems it all. "God is not only a Redeemer of our sin, but He is a Redeemer of our circumstances as well.  He will not waste a single problem, a single heartache, a single tear.  Our God is a Redeemer God, and He stands minute by minute before us, inviting us to let Him have the sorrow, to let Him have the pain, to let Him have the disappointment.  To trust Him to make something useful, something creative of every tragedy that darkens our lives. ” (Quote taken from an unknown book... tell me if yo...

I was missing my brother this weekend, so I decided to take one of his t-shirts and make it into a pillow. I mean, an XXL t-shirt is too big for a comfy night shirt. So I put it to good use! Austen wore this shirt all the time. It actually had holes under the arms... and it's really thin in places. He loved it. And now I can love it too.

It's been a little more than two weeks since my heart broke. Two loooong weeks. I'm not even sure how it's only been two weeks to be quite honest. While in Houston, I had good time with family, especially siblings. Love you guys! It was refreshing to be able to bicker with them in the midst of such pain and grief. That may sound strange. But there's something special about the relationship between siblings. With a sibling, you fight just because you can. And you don't always mean it either. But even when you do mean it, the relationship isn't severed. It perseveres because that's the beauty of family. You love each other despite of your differences.  William likes to pinch our love handles. We have to protect ourselves. A sibling trip to Tastee Delite. Brendon took the pic. Left to right: William (17), Madison (William's girlfriend), Meg (step sis, 14), Cassidy (Austen's half sis), Anabelle (16), and me. We were just missing Alex (11) and Baby M...

I keep thinking back to the visitation on Wednesday night. I saw my brother's body laying in the casket, yet it looked nothing like him. Nothing like him. I know people say that a lot when people die. And when I've had grandparents die, I thought they looked slightly off - not like their normal selves. But this was different. My brother was a big guy, with lots of chub on his face. Yet somehow that wasn't what I saw on Wednesday. His forehead looked huge. His cheeks were slim. His eyes were sunken in. And his nose wasn't flat. Growing up in my family we used to have contests to see who could hang a spoon on their nose the longest. I was usually a finalist. My pointed nose lends itself to spoon balancing quite well. But my brother could never even get the spoon to hang from his nose. His nose was too flat. No point on it at all. So where did that nose come from on Wednesday? The body does funny things when life leaves it. I just didn't realize I wouldn't re...

It's been a long week. I'm just now able to go through some of the Scriptures people have sent. I'll continue to post them as they come. Isaiah 61, A Servant Song: The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,  2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.