People have been asking how I've been doing, and the truth is I've been doing okay. I feel like I've come out of the fog. But still every so often I get misty eyed and just want to be alone and allowed to sit, remember, grieve, and rest.
Spiritually, I've been okay. I wouldn't say I'm on a spiritual high by any means, but I'm certainly not at a low point either. I've been intentional in recent years about spending time with the Lord, reading His Word, praying, and listening. I read something last night that I think describes my current state well. I read about a man who had been told he would die within the year. He began spending a lot of time with the Lord because he knew it would be more difficult when he grew weak to trust Him. He compared it to walking in your house in the dark. I've walked through my house so often in the light that even in the darkness I know my way around.
In the same way, I've spent so many years with God that even now as I stand in the dark, mourning, I know that He is good and that He is sovereign. I don't question it. The darkness doesn't change who He is.
I loved my brother. And I miss him dearly. I wish he could have been here this past weekend for graduation. I wish I would get to see him when we go back to Houston for Memorial Day. But he wasn't here, and I won't get to see him in three weeks. I've had a couple times when I've thought, I should call Austen or I have to remember to tell Austen about this, only to remember that I can't. It still hurts my heart. And I'm sure it always will, though the freshness will fade.
Yet in all this, I still trust in the Lord and praise Him for His goodness. I'm thankful Austen is with Him and that he believed.
That's where I am. Like I said, not on a high or down in a slump. I'm just here. God and I are okay. And I think that's a good place to be.