We hadn't post this on Facebook or the blog, yet though we had told most of our friends and family.
Today we lost Tummy Baby. It started with some bleeding, but since it was light, my midwife was hopeful and asked me to come in for a sonogram. Sadly, all that was on the screen was an empty sack, which measured 4 weeks, not 8. Since the likelihood of our dates being 4 weeks off was minimal, we assumed miscarriage. I went ahead and had blood work done, just in case. But the bleeding picked up shortly after that appointment.
Our sweet friends were watching Lil for us this morning while we went to the appointment and afterwards while Brendon and I went and sat at Starbucks to process everything that had just happened.
Like I said, we weren't really secretive about this, other than blog and Facebook worlds. I know some people think this scenario would be a nightmare, having told all of your friends and then having to untell them. But truthfully, I'm so thankful that so many people were able to experience joy with us and now are able to come along side us as we grieve. And I know that one day, because of our candidness, we will have the opportunity to comfort others in their grief. That said, the outpouring of love we've received has been really sweet. And we are so grateful.
Now that I have walked (...am walking...) the road of miscarriage, I can see the fallacy in my old thinking on the topic. I think to some extent I thought that miscarriage, while sad, was just one of those things that sometimes happened on the road of childbearing. You have a miscarriage, grieve, and then eventually have more kids, if the Lord blesses you in that way. But what I realized today is that I'm not just waiting for our second child to come along, trusting in His timing. While I believe He will give us more children and I do trust in His blessings, waiting for baby #2 isn't my chief concern. My chief concern is for the child we lost today. I am confident that we will have another baby one day, but today I am grieving THIS baby.
At bed time each night, we sing "Morning Town" with Lil. In the second verse we typically change up the people in the song and put in our family's names.
Lilleigh drives the engine. Daddy rings the bell. Mommy and Tummy Baby shine the lantern to show that all is well.But here's the thing. There's no more Tummy Baby. Tonight we swapped our Tummy Baby's name for Sammy. Lil immediately caught that, and started asking for Tummy Baby and pointing to see my tummy. Sweet girl. Daddy explained to her that Tummy Baby is no longer in Mommy's tummy but now with Jesus. Kinda abstract for a 20 month old, but we tried the best we could.
Another thing - I've been shocked at just how much a miscarriage takes the toll on the body. Today I turned down the first couple of people that offered meals, but by the end of it, I was welcoming them! A pounding headache sent me to bed when Lil took her nap. Not that I slept. Pounding headache.
I'm not complaining. Just being real. This miscarriage stuff is hard - emotionally and physically. I'm exhausted. We are hanging in there. Life with God is still good - He's sovereign, even over miscarriages. We would love your prayers during this rough season. Prayers for peace and comfort, for physical healing for Momma, and for sweet family time. We are so thankful the Lord has already blessed us with Lilleigh! What a sweet reminder she is of the Lord's goodness. She has certainly helped lessen the pain.
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,If you have kids, thank God for them tonight. What a blessing they are.
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.